He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
