Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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