Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
