Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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