My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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