so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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