I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
