If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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