The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
