just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
