Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
