I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
