i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
