fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
