I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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