im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
