I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
