HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
