First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
