I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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