I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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