Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
