Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
