so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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