i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
