Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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