My hand turned me down
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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