I faked an abortion last night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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