If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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