listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize