I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
