Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
