is your mom at the bar?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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