Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
