How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
