I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
