dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
