you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Even my vagina gasped.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think I sprained my soul last night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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