I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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