It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
