If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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