shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize