If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
