then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
