Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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