ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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