I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
