I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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