I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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