y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
