Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
