It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
