I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
