Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
