Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
