Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
