Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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