Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
