I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
