I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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