you would pick up someone in the library
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
